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Monthly Archives: January 2008

pain of the day is in my right ear

i hit it repeatedly with a half-filled bottle of frestea green tea in a park where maids have their dates with contract builders

it was during a fight with my girlfriend im leaving her and i didnt know what else to say i didnt think she understood me so i just hit myself

its been happening too often thats one of the reasons why im leaving her

i thought it had never happened before but it had

i read my old emails and i did it sometime early 2004 when i was fighting with claire because i was leaving her

it must be some sort of penance for something i cannot help but do to women who care about me

im an ass and im lucky that im only half-deaf

the hardest thing when you start up another secret blog is deciding on what tone to use. because the tone is yr life. and yr life is the life of the blog. thats why its nice when someone asks u to blog and they decide on the theme, readers, register of language to use. life is easier. when no ones there to help u there are things u can do by yrself. like imagining that youre writing the blog for or to someone in particular. a muse. an ex-girlfriend. a future one. a secret one. or u can just follow the letters as theyre released by the tip of yr fingers. u never know.

when u start a secret blog because uve fallen in love, again, neck deep in illicit, forbidden, current girlfriend-hurting love, u start it because u want to get found out. ull start telling people, perhaps not yr current girlfriend straight away, but close enough. someone u know she knows u know. say.

its just that when she told me ‘so even shes just an idea huh?’ (my girlfriend in one

of my poems) what she said sticks. im suspicious of things that stick.

scarletts in love with an idea. and it doesnt matter. perhaps it doesnt matter that i

fall in love with the ideas of love. my ideal ideas of love. if i can keep falling in love

and never run out of ideas.

but with her i was afraid, she seemed so real. less so now that ive

reared myself off her.

perhaps ive missed my one chance at true happiness. but that doesnt matter.

ill get other chances to make another one up.

Welcome to ante-hell. This is certainly not my first post. Never start blogging!